Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
