Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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