she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
