So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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