What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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