"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
