just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
