Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
