there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
