The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a fireplace last night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize