I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
