my vag is so smooth its legendary
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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