I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
