Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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