I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
