dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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