That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
