This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
