he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
