the condom got lost in my hair
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Less talking, more tequila
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
