I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Sober January is a disaster.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
