and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
