you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
