Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
