just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's official drugs can't kill me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
