Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
