Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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