he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
