WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
