New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
