I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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