im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
