Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
