I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
