I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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