Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
