I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
