"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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