The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
