Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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