so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
