my mouth tastes like poor choices
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
