Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
