All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
