Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
