My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
