He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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