Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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