Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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