Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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