i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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