How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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