The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
