my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
