Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
