Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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