What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
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You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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