Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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